Agent Bagheera: The Spy Who Meowed Me. Episode 3: Mission: Impawsible

Between top-secret projects and unauthorized naps, this cat runs a one-feline intelligence empire — with claws, charm, and impeccable fur. Some secrets have whiskers!

Agency's New Acquisitions

Time moved swiftly, and the Feline Intelligence Agency (FIA) evolved into a full-fledged intelligence empire. Over the years, it recruited numerous new feline members, each bringing unique skills to the organization. During this era, the agency operated at peak capacity, executing missions with unmatched precision and efficiency, and driving humans totally crazy.

I had the honor of leading and managing many extraordinary agents. To highlight just a few of the most remarkable:

Elya, aka Agent Ghostpaw, was completely declawed (health-related condition), allowing her to move in absolute silence.

This made her indispensable for covert penetration missions and subtle intimidation operations, where finesse outweighed force.

Sage, aka Agent Shedlock, was a venerable Siberian operative whose toothless state limited his combat abilities, yet amplified his value in other ways. As an exceptionally prolific shedding source, he became a cornerstone of the Global Shedding Initiative (GSI).

His touching, charismatic presence captivated humans, making him the ideal decoy while active field agents executed daring operations behind the scenes. Sage’s blend of charm and utility ensured he remained both irreplaceable and beloved within the organization.

Tissa, the striking Russian Blue, known as Agent Blue Steel, possessed a beauty that could easily rival any “femme fatale” of the household, including yours truly — if only her extreme shyness didn’t hold her back.

Despite her reserved nature, she excelled at snack heists, shedding, and mission support, proving herself every bit as effective as her more outgoing counterparts. Her quiet charm and reliability made her a subtle but invaluable member of the team.

Fenya, future Agent Floofbottom, arrived at FIA as a miserable teenager — skinny, shaggy, and unassuming. Within a year, she transformed into a striking figure of weight, beauty, and unmatched fluffiness, earning her status as a true vamp.

Coupled with her aggressive fighting style and innate talent for managing humans, Fenya rapidly became one of FIA’s most formidable and valuable assets, despite her infamous grumpiness.

She became widely renowned for her signature nocturnal tactic: placing a squeaky toy directly under the feet of unsuspecting humans, ensuring maximum surprise and chaos.

FIA's Heyday

During this period, FIA achieved remarkable success through collaboration with Big Red’s agency, “Condo Intelligence,” executing several ambitious and high-profile operations:

Operation "Velvet Dominion"

Objective:
Establish and maintain full territorial dominance over all couch sectors, prioritizing the sunniest spots.

Lead Agent: Agent Big Red
Support: Simon/Agent Roarstripe (vertical recon), Blackie/Agent Mocktail (flanking maneuver), Sage /Agent Shedlock (central zone surveillance).

Tactics:

Initial infiltration via “innocent loaf” formation.
Feigned sleep resistance to extraction attempts.
Deploy synchronized purr-jamming to disable human productivity.

Motto:

“Comfort Is Power.”

Status: Ongoing occupation

Casualties: 2 throw pillows, 1 misplaced remote, 0 regrets.

Operation "Snugglehold"

Objective:
Seize and secure the bed from all human occupants during critical rest periods (0200–0600 hours).

Lead Agent: Blackie/Agent Mocktail

Supporting Operatives: Simon/Agent Roarstripe (pillow zone 1 control), Agent Big Red (pillow zone 2 control), Tissa/Agent Blue Steel (central zone surveillance)

Mission Notes:

Stealth entry under cover of darkness.
Use coordinated “weight distribution” tactics to immobilize targets.
Secondary goal: disrupt alarm clock reliability.

Status: Mission success nightly

Collateral Damage: Human sleep quality.

Operation "Shedstorm"

Objective:
Deploy infinite fur particles to assert presence across all zones and clothing types.

Lead Agent: Agent Whiteclaw

Specialists: Agent Big Red (mass shedding technique), Blackie/Agent Mocktail, Simon/Agent Roarstripe (static cling dispersion).

Mission Notes:

Operation activated automatically upon petting.
Peak effectiveness in dark wardrobe environments.
Civilian containment impossible.

Status: Irreversible

Environmental Impact: Severe but adorable.

Operation "Blanket Supremacy"

Objective:
Secure and hold the bed from human intrusion during designated nocturnal comfort hours.

Lead Agent: Fenya/Agent Floofbottom (pillow zone surveillance)

Support: Agent Big Red (center mass hold), Elya/Agent Shadowpaw, Cheshira/Agent Cheeky Chesh (central sprawl enforcement), Blackie/Agent Mocktail (foot zone control)

Tactics:

Stealth infiltration beneath covers.
Coordinated pounce synchronization at 3:17 AM.
Maximum surface area expansion via “starfish formation.”

Motto:

“We Came. We Pounced. We Nap.”

Status: Nightly success

Collateral Damage: Human sleep cycles, minor sheet displacement.

"Fluff Bomb" campaign under Global Shedding Initiative (GSI)

Objective:
Execute mass-scale fur deployment through synchronized shedding maneuvers across all domestic zones.

Primary target areas: furniture, freshly laundered fabrics, black clothing, and any meal within a 1-meter radius.

Assigned Operatives

Lead Agent: Sage/Agent Shedlock (Siberian Division)

Co-Lead: Tissa/Agent Blue Steel (Precision Shedding Unit)

Support: Agent Big Red (Bulk Coverage Specialist)

Field Assistants: SimonAgent Roarstripe (Tabby Recon), Blackie aka Agent Mocktail (Static Cling Division)

Tactical Overview

Phase I: Groomstorm – initiate mass self-cleaning to loosen primary coat.
Phase II: Contact Deployment – maximize fur transfer through direct rubbing of legs, chairs, and laptops.
Phase III: Airborne Dispersion – utilize ceiling fans, open windows, and dramatic leaps to spread fluff at altitude.
Phase IV: Human Frustration Cycle – ensure vacuum cleaners remain in constant use; psychological dominance maintained.

Motto

“One Hair at a Time, We Conquer the World.”

Technical Notes

Shed volume increased by 34% during spring cycles.
Fur clusters exhibit self-replicating properties (scientifically unconfirmed).
Any attempt at brushing triggers counter-operation “Comb Evasion.”

Status Report

Mission Phase: Active and self-sustaining.
Containment: Impossible.
Civilian Impact: Universal lint roller depletion.
Overall Success Probability: 110%.

End of Report.

Agent Bagheera

Director of Feline Intelligence Agency

Coordinator of High-Stakes Missions and Agent Training

Temporarily out of HQ on a top-secret operation.

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